


If life is worth living

by MelanieQuinlan



Category: Pet Shop Boys
Genre: Gay Male Character, Gen, HIV/AIDS, HIV/AIDS Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelanieQuinlan/pseuds/MelanieQuinlan
Summary: Shortly after Pet Shop Boys have found chart success with their first single Westend Girls, Neil's best friend comes out to him as HIV positive.Inspired by the song It couldn't happen here.
Relationships: Neil Tennant & Jeffrey Cooper (OC) & Daniel Parker (OC)
Kudos: 2





	If life is worth living

Neil frowned when he heard the doorbell ringing. “Now, who's that?” He muttered to himself as he tried to navigate a way to the door, sidestepping all those boxes and furniture that had already been pack and placed aside for his move to a bigger flat in a couple of weeks' time. Naturally, he hated to admit it but at the moment his flat was a right mess and didn't feel like home anymore.

As he pushed a few small boxes out of his way, he tried to recall his last phone conversation with Tom Watkins, their manager. Had there been talk of a meeting directly after they'd returned to London? Neil shook his head; he was sure there hadn't. Stifling a yawn, the finally opened the door to his flat.

“Jeff!” He exclaimed and grinned in delight. “Hello, it's good to see you. Actually, you're lucky to find me here, Chris and I have just come back from New York. We landed not three hours ago.”

“Hi Neil,” his friend replied but his smile was tight and didn't reach his eyes. He looked tired and pale as well. “I know you just came back; Watkins gave me your schedule. I know, you must be tired and jet-lagged and all that, but I really have to talk to you.”

“Come on in,” Neil stepped aside to let Jeff enter. He had a bad feeling about this unexpected visit all of a sudden. It was vague still but there, nevertheless. “Try to make your way over to the living room, the chaos is not half as bad in there. Do you want some tea? I was just making some anyway.” He caught up with Jeff in the doorway to the living room.

“No, thanks. No tea for me.”

“You're sure?” Neil asked and pushed his glasses back up his nose. “You look like you could use some. Still not better after they released you from hospital? I thought you said you were okay again. How did you get here by the way? Isn't the tube closed down in most parts of town because of that bomb warning?”

Jeff walked away from Neil, over to the window that overlooked King's Road. He stood there for a moment, silently gazing out into the falling darkness, then turned back to face Neil. “Danny drove me.”

“Oh yeah? Where's the old geezer then? Still looking for somewhere to park?”

“No, he's waiting at the pub up the road. The Chelsea Potter. Like I said, I have to talk to you. So please, can you just shut up and sit down? I... I don't really know how to say this anyway.”

Neil snapped his mouth shut and went to sit down on the sofa, his hands gripping his knees. As he looked up at this friend, he felt fear like an icy touch creep up inside of his chest. Thoughts were suddenly running riot inside his head. Bits from conversations they had had, came back to him as well as announcements on the news, the bold headlines of the yellow press that had screamed panic and self-righteousness at the readers. His mouth went dry. His head felt like it had been stuffed full of cotton balls, all light-headed and giddy. Jeff seemed to be standing far away even though he hadn't moved from his spot by the window. He fixed Neil with a look that was intense and incredibly sad at the same time.

“Okay, go ahead,” Neil heard himself say. His voice sounded as if it came from the bottom of a deep well, at least to his own ears.

Jeff nodded and closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them again, Neil could see that silent tears were running down Jeff's handsome face. “No, no, please no,” a voice in his head whispered as he watched and waited. “Please, don't say it, Jeffrey. Please, please, don't!”  
“They did release me from hospital and right now I'm okay. Physically at least.” He tried a smile, but it faded quickly. “They did an awful lot of test on me and... and the results came back last week.” His voice broke and Neil could not move, could not think. The cold fear had spread and frozen him to the spot.

“Remember how we talked about that gay cancer, as they'd called it back then? When you said there was no way it could get as bad here as it had in America?” Jeff went on, his voice now hardly more than a hoarse whisper. Neil squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself not to cry. Not now, not yet. Please... He nodded slowly.

“You were wrong, Neil. So wrong. And for once it's no fun at all telling you that. My test... it, it came back positive. You know what that means, don't you? Neil?”

Neil was still not able to move “Positive...,” That little word echoed around his head and the fear grabbed his heart tighter and squeezed mercilessly. He shook his head vehemently, even though he knew very well what that test result meant for Jeff. What it meant for everybody. A death sentence.

“I'm HIV positive,” Jeff went on. “And they told me that pneumonia I had was an AIDS-related illness. They... they give me somewhere between five years and six months. Until I... until...”

“Shut up,” Neil shouted and jumped to his feet. “Just shut up, I don't want to hear this. It's not true, it can't be true. It all lies, all lies...”

Before Jeff had fully realized what was going on, Neil had already stormed out of the room and, judging by the loud bang of the door, the flat as well. “Oh, Neil. Why do you have to make this so hard for all of us?” He muttered and leaned against the windowsill for support. He felt a little better now that he was done with his confession, but Neil's reaction worried him as well. No wonder that his legs had turned to jelly, and he was shaking all over. He took a few deep breaths and tried to get his emotions back in check. “Oh, get a grip,” he scolded himself. “You're not dead yet, so deal with it!”

**********

“How did he take it?” Daniel asked as Jeff wordlessly slid onto a barstool next to him at the bar in the Chelsea Potter. At this time of day – around five in the afternoon – it was still fairly empty and quiet. That would soon change, when the after-work crowd came it for a pint or two on their way back home.

“Not well,” Jeff muttered. “He stormed right out of the flat, banging doors and all. He kept saying that it wasn't true.”

Daniel looked away and drew in a shaky breath. Damn, he still felt like crying whenever he heard Jeffrey talking about his diagnosis. Whenever he as much as looked at his friend. To buy himself some time, he drained the rest of his pint. Normally he didn't like to get drunk and certainly not before dinner but right now he'd even prefer a hangover from hell to how he was feeling.

“It's not surprising, really,” he finally said. “It must throw him completely off track. So much has happened, he hardly had time to think. Besides...” Danny took another deep breath and faced Jeff, who looked weary and just a little older than he had only a month ago. Before he had to go to hospital. Before all those tests. Before...

“Besides, no matter how close he is with Chris, you will always be his best friend. And you know Neil, if he doesn't want to see something, then it's just not there. I think I know where he might be, though. Shall we go and try to find him? You need to talk this through with him, Jeff.”

**********

Later Neil had no recollection of how he had gotten to that park bench by the lake near The Serpentine. He only knew that his head was aching, and his nose was blocked from crying so much. People who walked by threw him funny looks, but no-one stopped and asked if he needed help. Not that he wanted any, he was glad to be on his own. At least he had no witnesses to his breakdown. No matter how hard he tried, he just could not pull himself together. Not this time. Not when Jeffrey was going to die.

Despite of what he had said back in his flat, Neil had no doubt that what Jeff had told him was true. Jeff might be a lot of things, but he wasn't cruel. He would never ever say that as a sick joke.

Once more Neil wiped at his face and blew his nose. The sobs just wouldn't stop. It was so horrible, so unbearable. He felt like his heart had been ripped right of his chest and he'd been left with a gaping hole in its place. How could he hurt so much? All those heartaches over unrequited loves and relationships gone bad had been nothing in comparison.

Jeff was ill. Jeff was positive. Jeff was already suffering from an AIDS-related illness. Jeff was going to die. Jeff was going to leave him. “You can't do that, you know?” Neil muttered in between sobs. “You can't, I need you! You're my friend!” He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. The wind was chilly and made him shiver but again it was nothing compared to the chill in his soul. Wrapping his arms around his chest, as much for warmth as for comfort, he rocked back and forth a little. He knew he should go back to his flat. That he should talk to Jeffrey, but he could not bring himself to get up.

“God, how must he feel?” Neil wondered and that thought make him cry harder again. Sometime later, when he'd exhausted himself so much that he couldn't cry any more, he heard footsteps behind him. Someone was walking up to him. That person was walking slowly, hesitantly and his steps made the gravel underneath his feet crunch softly.

“Neil?” A voice behind him asked and the sound of it cut him to ribbons.

“Jeffrey,” Neil answered without turning around. He felt a hand on his shoulder and smiled a little when Jeff squeezed it slightly. “How did you find me?”

At first, he got no answer, but the footsteps walked around the bench and then Jeff sat down next to him. He looked at Neil and even though he still looked drawn, sad, and tired, Neil thought he saw something in the depths of his friend's eyes. A flicker of stubborn defiance maybe.

“Danny suggested the place,” Jeff finally answered and took Neil's hand in his. It was cold and he could taste the salt of tears on its skin as he placed a small kiss on it. It made his heart ache to see just how much pain he had caused his friends. “He said you always came here when you were in trouble.”

Neil managed another smile, even though fresh tears were running down his cheek. “Damn kid knows me too well,” he muttered.

“Yeah, he does. He knows us all better than we know ourselves. That's Parker for you. Come on, get up. You can't sit here forever. It's fucking cold and it looks like it's gonna start raining.”

Neil nodded slowly and somehow found his feet and got up. Jeffrey was still holding his hand. He gazed at their intertwined fingers and fought back another sob. Then he threw his arms around his friend and hugged him tight. He didn't care what the passers-by might think. He wouldn't have cared if anyone had called him a faggot, he just needed to hold Jeff. To feel that he was still there. Still alive.

“I'm sorry,” he sobbed. “I was a prat, I... I'm sorry, Jeff. So sorry!”

Jeff returned his fierce embrace. He was crying now as well but that was alright. He was with his best mate, so it wasn't as bleak as it could've been.

“I'm sorry, too, Neil. I hate to cause you all so much grief. It's my own fault, isn't it? No-one told me to sleep around so much and...”

“Shut up,” Neil said and stepped back. “It's not your fault. It's a bloody virus, not a judgement from God.”

“Do you really think so?” Jeff asked. “You were always the religious one after all.”

Neil swallowed hard and reached out to wipe some tears from Jeffrey's face. “Yes. Yes, I do. I think God is all about love and forgiveness. You're a good person, Jeff. You're my friend. Nothing will change that. Not West end girls going to number one and not this.”

“Do you promise?”

Neil nodded. “I promise.”

Both men looked at each other, tears still running down their faces. Still, it was good not to be alone with all of that shit. “Where's Daniel this time?” Neil suddenly asked.

Jeff shrugged his shoulders. “Somewhere over there,” he gestured behind him and Neil turned and indeed spotted Danny some yards away, leaning against a tall tree. He waved him over and waited until his friend had caught up with them.

“You already know, do you?” He asked. Danny only nodded. Neil drew another shaky breath and put one arm around Jeff's shoulder, the other around Daniel's and drew them together in a hug.

For a long moment no-one spoke, and they all cried but that was okay because they were among friends.


End file.
